fear and chaos, a love affair

When I first started delving into my "shadow self" or the parts of me I kept hidden, I was terrified and I did not like being afraid. I was used to being in control, even if it was a type of imaginary control. I can only describe myself then as outwardly calm, while inside fear boiled and I fought to contain it.

don't go into the woods at night
the fear is strong
respect them at a distance
and you will live long

There are times that I still find myself terrified at the prospect of what lies within me. I fear that the strength of the creative power within me will overwhelm me, consume me, and I will be left an empty shell, hollow and lifeless. I fear that my source of inspiration and creativity is limited. That shakes me to the bone and I want to use it sparingly, savor it, because I may never feel it again once I have used it all up.

My myth: I worry that I will never have enough, that I will never be enough.

It all boils down to two traits that use my innards as their battleground. Independence and distrust.

I grew up very poor and a type of hoarding or survival instinct wreaked havoc on me. Cue the independence. I always managed to stretch what little money I had out, make it last for more than possible. This worked well for me when I was in university living on a student loan, but when I failed and the money ran out it was devastating to my pride. Cue the distrust.

Yet, I believe the independence, the belief in my Self, has endured much better than the distrust. I am beginning to see that underlying this distrust I also feel a strange anarchy building within. I feel my myth (for I do realize that I am enough) is being subtly picked apart and dissolving into chaos.

all in a row
ordered lies
but something stirs
anarchy, chaos
the peace will not last long

a new truth will form

Overall, I can only allow the feelings and honor the process. I believe this is what connects us and opens us to the all-encompassing beauty within each other. Thus, I honor the process within you as well.

Just what you've always wanted...

a knitted womb!



Knitty.com has the most wonderful stuff.

Momentary Lapse of Reason

There is a moment...
And we get caught up
Realising, we are you

We dress like you
We talk like you
We act like you
We become one and the same
We are mirror images

There is comfort in this
There is safety in our numbers
Not having to think
Only alive on the surface

Smooth as silk no jagged edges
It’s the way we want to be
There’s no fear of failure
When you don’t have much invested

There is a moment...
And we know
We will never be like you

We won’t dress like you
Or talk like you
Or act like you
We despise all you represent

There is comfort in this
Being non-comformist
There’s a thrill and no safety
Living on the edge

Hard as glass and broken
It’s the way we want to feel
Failure is the best teacher
When you live in the moment

NOTE: This is something I penned just the other day (and also posted on my blog) - I was musing about what it was like to be part of the 'in-crowd' (which I wasn't) - and then being part of the 'out-crowd' (which I most definitely was *grin*) - and I began to ponder the 'sheep-like' mentality of being like every other 'Barbie doll' and the anger and resentment that was directed towards them by any 'odd-girl-out' if you will - sort of how I imagine an artiste like Ani DiFranco or Tori Amos started - but even though I always felt like I was 'outside looking in', I knew deep down I was somehow 'OK' but it took me years to realise how much power I had within the true *ME* and much much better off I was in being so different. I know that perhaps this prose I wrote might have some negativity to it but if thoughts could just bleed onto paper then - at that moment in time - it would be so much clearer - but envy and pain and the feeling of 'not belonging' are all still very much a part of being a 'Goddess in training' and I thank the Goddess every day for giving me the strength to really embrace the 'trueness' of my real self.

A heartfelt thanks

To all of you for letting me participate in this wonderful blog and for just 'being out there' to begin with.

Every woman IS a Goddess and it's a pleasure and a priviledge to be invited to write on here.

I'll write more soon.

As ever,
Colette

"The Typewriter Girl"

I'm partial to old typewriters, the look of them, mind you, not actually typing on them anymore. So, I tend to run across oddities like a review of this book: "The Iron Whim:
A Fragmented History of Typewriting," by Darren Wershler-Henry.

I'm bringing it up here for the two quotes I found somewhat relevant to this group:

"Typewriting played a key (sorry) role in women's work as jobs were created for "'The Typewriter Girl'"; Wershler-Henry argues that the "'two novelties (working women and weird gadget) alleviated the suspicion that either on their own might have elicited.'"

&

"Wershler-Henry points out that our networked computer culture is moving us away from typing culture's certainty. The idea of one true point of view is being replaced by provisional truths, and consensual truths."

It is strange to think of women at work being saved by the typewriter when that Girl Friday role caused such problems. But I like the morphing of typewritten "certainty" into "consensual truths" of communications like this...