Sunday, April 30, 2006

learning to swim again.

Today has been an odd day ...

There are so many things swimming around me regarding babies and the lack thereof.

One of the doctors who works at the same (small) hospital as hubby recently lost a baby. His wife was 20 weeks along. This afternoon, they had a memorial service at the church two doors down from my house. I met this doctor, his wife and their four kids last fall when I interviewed him for the local newspaper. Very nice people. He's 32 and she's 28.

It's funny, when I did the interview, he asked me if we had any kids. I said no, but I was actually 8-10 weeks pregnant at the time and wasn't telling anyone outside of family & good friends. And, now, here it is they lose their baby at 20 weeks, as did we just over five months ago. I have been thinking about them all day, remembering the surrealness of the grief. I'm trying to decide if I should bring them a plant or something, but I'm worried it would be awkward.

A co-worker of mine is due to have her baby any minute now. Well, more like any day. Her esitmated due date is May 7, I believe. I saw her yesterday, she's 3mm dilated ... only 7 more to go. So, she's getting closer to having her baby girl. I almost teared up speaking with her Saturday afternoon, as happy as I am for her having a little girl.

I've been working on the cutest little booties for her and finished them tonight. In the pattern picture, they're shown w/ a pair of little socks. And, I thought I'd do the same. So, I went to the basement and starting digging through our stash of baby stuff. And, it all hit me. Seeing the little onesies and tees and a pair of socks w/ little butterflies.

It all just hit me. Another baby lost. And another one the way. And us in our fourth month of trying to get pregnant again.

For the past three months, I have been focused on the science of getting pregnant. Timing, eggs meeting sperm, hormones, testing, the menstrual cycle, vitamins, no alcohol, folic acid, ovulation ... all the details and medical terminology involved in trying to conceive. It creates in me obsessive compulsive behavior in a personality that borders too closely on Type A-ism.

But, tonight, while I'm digging through boxes of stuff I haven't touched in 4 months, seeing the stash of tees & onesies ... I get a mental rush of pictures, of dressing my little baby in these tees & onesies. It suddenly became so personal, so real and so precious. So precious are those little feet and the gift of motherhood ...

It just hit me ... as it does, so often unexpectedly. Maybe it's compounded by not being pregnant again yet and coming up on 6 months at the end of May. Feeling the sadness of another pregnancy lost and soon the joy of a new life for my friend.

All this baby stuff ... just floating around me ... and the best I can do right now is tread water. I guess that's better than the alternative.

7 comments:

Susan said...

A very powerful, honest and courageous post, FunkieJunkie. Thanks for sharing this personal message with us. I feel very privileged and offer you my soft warm cyber shoulders surrounded by hugs.

Ben said...

well funky junkie...
listen to this...a patient of mine said her daughter in law wanted to terminate her baby all because she the Ultrasound Scan revealed that the baby was not gonna be a normal child...and she had his huge lecture about the baby not having a quality of life...
isnt that rude..and selfish...
what if god intended to send the baby down to us..to teach us all a lesson...many babies are deformed mainly because of the fault of the mother...the mother smokes pot or does drugs or drinks heavily and when it comes to her own baby she talks about the quality of life...and she wants to abort her pregnancy...aint it cruel...

what is your take on abortion...have your say...

http://shamben.blogspot.com/2006/04/silent-screams.html

BohemeMama said...

I hear your grief loud and clear. If we were frineds i would try to help, so this is the best I can do...a simple offering of encouragement. Keep trying, and I truly hope your baby comes soon. XO, Sarah Elise

Creatrix (aka Jennifer) said...

You are an amazing woman.

Blue said...

I think you are a very brave and courageous woman for even wanting to try again, I admire you very much.

funkyjunkie said...

Thank you for all your kind comments. :)

It is better, I think, to continue living life than allowing yourself a roadblock of fear.

My journey to motherhood isn't an easy one, but, at this point, I also am counting my blessings because my road has been easier than others, even it has been harder than some.

Thank you all again. :)

Anonymous said...

I would like to offer some encouragement. Many women have miscarriages..Probably 50%..Then they go on to have happy healthy babies..It hurts for a while..you have to grieve..I had one miscarriage and 3 babies,& the lady across the road had 1 mis, and then had 3 babies..good Luck to you