Sunday, March 05, 2006

looking back

When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned.~ Alcoholics Anonymous, pg 100

This Sunday morning I am so damn grateful. This week marked three years of sobriety for me. My life has changed so much, it’s not perfect. I still struggle, a lot. With emotions, feelings, trying to do the next right thing. Most of it is just dealing with life. I truly did not understand how to do this (still don’t to some extent). I always wanted to be numb, not feel, to not be responsible. I didn’t care about anyone, least of all my self. I had no self worth.

And the worst of it was I didn’t know why. Why did I have so many problems. I kept looking for that key to fixing me, that one magic idea to make it all perfect. I never found it and I all got was very very close to being locked up or death.

Still don’t have any of that perfection, but that’s ok. I do have a solution.

Over the past three years I have had people let me be screwy, confused, angry, sad, overwhelmed, happy, peaceful, and many many other feelings that I can’t even explain. No one chastised me or told me I was wrong to have those feelings. They listened, understood and often told me that had they felt the same.

They loved me when I didn’t even like myself.

Thank God.

I still screw up, get angry, feel weak, lost and have fears.

But I am no longer alone. For that I am thankful.


Uncle $cam said...


funkyjunkie said...

Knowing you're not alone in whatever it is you're dealing with (whether good, bad, happy, sad, etc.)... that is comfort.

As I've grieved over the loss of my pregnancy, I've been able to find others who've been on the same path. It's brought me a great amount of comfort to know I'm not alone ... and that I'm not really that crazy. Maybe a little bit crazy, but at least I know it's a normal crazy.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts & being so open with your healing. I've learned alot from you. ;)

Judas said...

Be strong and keep going on. We all have fears, recriminations and bad days. You are not alone.

Heather-Anne said...

3 years and keep on counting.
I just found your blog! I will be adding it to my blog as a favorite!