Thursday, January 26, 2006

fear and chaos, a love affair

When I first started delving into my "shadow self" or the parts of me I kept hidden, I was terrified and I did not like being afraid. I was used to being in control, even if it was a type of imaginary control. I can only describe myself then as outwardly calm, while inside fear boiled and I fought to contain it.

dark forestdon't go into the woods at night
the fear is strong
respect them at a distance
and you will live long

There are times that I still find myself terrified at the prospect of what lies within me. I fear that the strength of the creative power within me will overwhelm me, consume me, and I will be left an empty shell, hollow and lifeless. I fear that my source of inspiration and creativity is limited. That shakes me to the bone and I want to use it sparingly, savor it, because I may never feel it again once I have used it all up.

My myth: I worry that I will never have enough, that I will never be enough.

It all boils down to two traits that use my innards as their battleground. Independence and distrust.

I grew up very poor and a type of hoarding or survival instinct wreaked havoc on me. Cue the independence. I always managed to stretch what little money I had out, make it last for more than possible. This worked well for me when I was in university living on a student loan, but when I failed and the money ran out it was devastating to my pride. Cue the distrust.

Yet, I believe the independence, the belief in my Self, has endured much better than the distrust. I am beginning to see that underlying this distrust I also feel a strange anarchy building within. I feel my myth (for I do realize that I am enough) is being subtly picked apart and dissolving into chaos.

starlingsall in a row
ordered lies
but something stirs
anarchy, chaos
the peace will not last long

a new truth will form

Overall, I can only allow the feelings and honor the process. I believe this is what connects us and opens us to the all-encompassing beauty within each other. Thus, I honor the process within you as well.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's strange how in sync our moods are even when we're not formally communicating.

I had just finished emailing a local friend when I read your blog. The final paragraph celebrated a return to normalcy that would probably be far better described as actually making progress towards the elusive work/life balance. I said, 'I no longer work 12 hour days seven days a week but I *do* work! Some of the work is meaningful. Some of it is lucrative or potentially lucrative. Some of it is just easy. I'm getting there.....' Ruth

themadamefiles said...

Oh girl - I know where you are and what you are going through...

I am so there and it's perhaps one of the most amazing scary intense moments that we will live - over and over again only in different ways as we stumble through life...

My prayers are with you sweetie...

I will be back posting soon.

;-)
hpk

kan said...

life is a journey...as they say...take care

Blue Athena said...

I loved reading this. There's so much power within us that we aren't aware of. The testing circumstances bring out the best. :)

Hope all's well always!