Today I am missing my mother. I removed myself from my mother's life by choice and it was the hardest thing I ever did. Sometimes I just want to see her smile at me or hug her. Unfortunately, it isn't that simple. I can't turn back time or make her change. It took many years to build up enough self-love to save myself.
The whole story is filled with craziness, deception and pain. Even though there are no villans in the tale, I don't usually talk about it because I am usually met with judgment. I chose to be selfish. I chose to love her from a distance. To some, that is an insult to one of the most sacred ideals, mothers and their daughters. You have no idea how it saddens me to understand that I can never have such a bond with my mother. To even ask that of her would be unfair, for she has no clue. Her mother was abusive (that's putting it kindly).
It is difficult, this path I have chosen. The little daughter in me wants nothing more than to please my mother, as I have tried to do for so many years. The woman in me understands that it is time to mother myself.