Sunday, May 29, 2005

mothers and daughters

Today I am missing my mother. I removed myself from my mother's life by choice and it was the hardest thing I ever did. Sometimes I just want to see her smile at me or hug her. Unfortunately, it isn't that simple. I can't turn back time or make her change. It took many years to build up enough self-love to save myself.

The whole story is filled with craziness, deception and pain. Even though there are no villans in the tale, I don't usually talk about it because I am usually met with judgment. I chose to be selfish. I chose to love her from a distance. To some, that is an insult to one of the most sacred ideals, mothers and their daughters. You have no idea how it saddens me to understand that I can never have such a bond with my mother. To even ask that of her would be unfair, for she has no clue. Her mother was abusive (that's putting it kindly).

It is difficult, this path I have chosen. The little daughter in me wants nothing more than to please my mother, as I have tried to do for so many years. The woman in me understands that it is time to mother myself.


dawn said...

Sorry you're feeling down. Good for you for recognizing what you need right now and having the power to give it to yourself.

The mother-daughter relationship is a complicated one. I just finished a book that deals with the subject: Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Christiane Northrup. She addresses the patterns of behavior we teach and learn in the relationship, and how to recognize and shift them if need be. It's powerful.

It had such an impact on me that I'm drafting a letter to her.

Her site:



Meg said...

Just a note of support and to let you know that there are non-traditional mother-daughter relationships everywhere. My own with my mother is...complicated. I used to be very sad that I could never have the kind of M/D bond that seemed I thought I "should" have. But, I've also realized that tradition is sometimes overrated and we all have to travel our own path to self-growth and discovery. Sometimes we have to do it alone.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for speaking out Jecate; it takes a lot of guts & bravery to own up to pain at times. I am often at a loss in regards with the relationship with my mother, so it is nice to know that I am not alone in that respect (& neither are you)


Sending *BIG HUGS* your way

funkyjunkie said...


i don't mean to sound flippant. i'm sending hugs your way and do totally understand.

mothers & daughters -- sometimes it's like the fish w/ the bicycle!

Cait said...

Sadly, sometimes our relatives are not who we would choose as friends. It must really hurt you to be unable to have that bond. But good for you for having the sense to sever a relationship that was harming you. Sometimes, it's just simply necessary for survival.

Cap'n Marrrrk said...

I'm sorry you are sad. I've already walked away from my step family of 20 years, but haven't made the leap from my mother. For that you are a Warrior Woman.

While I don't know M/D, I do know M/S. You may be romanticizing the situation. How quickly that hug and smile can turn into recriminations, accusations and outright physical violence. Perhaps that's just my family.

Creatrix (aka Jennifer) said...

thanks for all your support everyone!

I do wonder why i felt such a need growing up to idolize my mother (or even my father). It was too such an extreme that i found myself making excuses for them all the time. I took the fall instead of them just so they could remain on their perches. They seemed pretty content there, lol.

Update: Yesterday was my anniversary (my hubby and me are going on seven years now) and i got a card today from my mother. More details coming on my blog, but let's just say I actually read this one. I wish I hadn't.

Rori said...

Oh man, I love what you said here, about mothering yourself.

That has been one of the most powerful things I have ever done in therapy. Finding a picture of myself at the age when I first knew the world was not safe.

Then, I had to talk to her and promise to take care of her. It really helped me.


I do relate.

mr. lady said...

I haven't spoken to mine in 13 1/2 years. I don't miss her more than do miss her, but when I miss her every inch of me does.

I relate, too.