Tuesday, April 26, 2005

the box

Sometimes I am my own enemy. I slip back on my "martyr" hat and sacrifice myself to please others. I try to squeeze back into that hated item...the box...aka my construct tailored especially to make myself feel unworthy, inadequate.

"Jennifer, be pretty. Jennifer, be nice. Jennifer, be clever. Jennifer, be cool."

To deal with this, I give into the chaos and feel...I mean really feel. I make an effort to accept how I feel even if it isn't pretty. Though I'm not completely able to be self-accepting, just a small bit of effort seems to help. The box gets loose and I can kick it aside for the moment.

Then, if I'm still feeling vulnerable, I quickly pull on my striped socks. They are my secret weapon and are great at repelling self-hatred. Sometimes they even catch smiles and save them for later!

Thank you for letting me share this.


dawn said...

I've never met anyone else who knew the secret of striped socks. Orange works particularly well with me.

I am getting better about the box. I'm quicker to recognize it.

It's all a process, right? Naming it is the first step to moving beyond.

littlehedgehog said...

I have the stripey socks thing too! Had no idea other people did this!

There was a particular pair of blue and beige and black socks that got me through a fairly serious depressive episode in 1996 - this was when I was first put on meds and that was really scary for me. Like an offical "You're crazy" stamp. But I could put those socks on and automatically feel better.

A month later my mother had her first seizure out of the blue and we were all terrified we were going to lose her. Then I would put those socks on and they would instantly make me happy and brave.

Last December I found a pink version of the blue socks, which have been getting pretty threadbare.

I can't wait to learn to make my own stripey socks! There are yarns that automatically stripe while knitting. Won't that be fun? Being able to put on stripey socks that I made by myself?

Thank you for this post. It's so great to know that other people do the stripey sock thing!

weirdpixie said...

those of us "in-the-know" worship all stripey socks! woohoo- three cheers for stripey socks!