Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Sometimes I am my own enemy. I slip back on my "martyr" hat and sacrifice myself to please others. I try to squeeze back into that hated item...the box...aka my construct tailored especially to make myself feel unworthy, inadequate.
"Jennifer, be pretty. Jennifer, be nice. Jennifer, be clever. Jennifer, be cool."
To deal with this, I give into the chaos and feel...I mean really feel. I make an effort to accept how I feel even if it isn't pretty. Though I'm not completely able to be self-accepting, just a small bit of effort seems to help. The box gets loose and I can kick it aside for the moment.
Then, if I'm still feeling vulnerable, I quickly pull on my striped socks. They are my secret weapon and are great at repelling self-hatred. Sometimes they even catch smiles and save them for later!
Thank you for letting me share this.